Famous Monkey

Write Your Own Caption

2007-12-17T12:06:00.000-08:00

Via Kos:

Oh my, this one's a doozy. I'll get us started:

We make conserva-sexy time, is nice. I LIKE!!!

Updates

2007-12-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

So, for the 1.3 of you who are reading my bloggy thing, here's a brief update:

- As I figured, the little fucknut who smashed my car won't be paying for the repairs to my '97 Camry lemon. I never expected that argument to pass, but at least the fucking little shit fuck will think twice after smashing someone's car to pieces and walking home.

- The Democratic Congress is a waste of space, time and precious oxygen. If they all fell in a forest, nobody would hear it. Or something like that. Damn you, mixed metaphors! >angrily shakes fist in the air<

- Seriously though, why on Earth would Harry Reid want to pass Dick Cheney's amnesty for telecoms bill? First of all, his name is Dick. Second of all, he's working with Harry. See, the Harry-Dick bill will fuck us all and allow telecoms to continue to spy on all of our communications without warrants, and be immune from all lawsuits regarding the destruction of our Constitution. More from the best blogger on the Internet. Say no to Harry-Dick!

- AJ, the shunned Obama volunteer, is now working for Joe Biden's campaign. Go Joe!

- Politics is a strange thing, and they sure do make strange bedfellows. Speaking of which, I wonder... if one hand claps in a forest, would anyone hear it? AACK!!!

- I got a new job. I start Jan. 7th. Yay for me!!!

- I got a song stuck in my head. A very touching song, as it turns out.

So, that's all for now. See all 1.3 of you soon!!!

COURT

2007-12-10T08:07:00.000-08:00

So I'm off to court today to get that little shit-for-brains-bastard who, in September 2006 (three weeks after my arrival in LA) smashed my car while it was parked and walked home. He walked home! I mean, look what he did to my poor Civic!

The little fuck-nut-asshole already pleaded no contest to the charges against him and can be found on the side of the 10, picking up garbage in an orange jumpsuit... that is, when he is not busy meeting with his parole officer.

Anyhoo, I'm taking this little balls-for-brains-douchebag back to court for more money because of the motherfucking bullshit he already put me through.

I seriously doubt the judge is gonna grant what I am requesting. I subsequently bought a lemon and want the sperm-fuck-shit-dick-pussy-asshole to pay to repair it. But at least I want to try.

Anyway, wish me luck.

Oh dear

2007-12-05T08:40:00.001-08:00

Poor, poor AJ. I tried to warn her, to no avail.

Some months ago, my friend, AJ Feuerman, asked me to volunteer on the Obama for President campaign. I told her two truths about my current situation. First, I have yet to see Obama's leadership skills, so my support of President Obama is still on the fence. Being a one-term State Senator and less-than-one-term US Senator are not qualifications for President. Good looks, rock-star magnetism and a fresh face are also not qualifications for Preznit of these here You-Knighted States. Being able to attract the A-List and B-List of Hollywood candidates to the campaign does not qualify either.

And this brings me to the point of this blog post, and also ties into the second reason I don't want to volunteer in Obama's campaign.

Since I was 22, I have volunteered in Congressional and Presidential races almost every election cycle, knocking on doors for City Council members, making phone calls (phone banking, in political parlance) for John Kerry, Wes Clark or whomever I choose to work for. I never, ever, ever, under and circumstances, ask for, or accept offers, for, more responsibility in a campaign above pavement pounder or phone banker. Why, ye ask? Campaigns are run by people who want power. Sure, they don't start that way; everyone begins as an idealistic, wide-eyed volunteer, anxious to change the world.

But as they get ingratiated into the campaign, they inevitably realize that, to make that crucial difference in the world, they have to make teeny weenie, intsie wintsie compromises, such as the need to consolidate their own power base by getting near influential people and staying near them. Oh sure, the initial compromises are small. But then they get bigger, growing like one of those little quasi-spongy things that you soak in water and they expand into monsters, at which point you and your friends can attack one another in all the spongy goodness. Then, suddenly, you're a part of the problem, another cog in the machine, convinced that, somewhere along the line, it's somehow all for the greater good.

Where was I? Oh right, AJ.

Anyhoo, I won't work for Obama because (1) I am unsure of him, and (2) I am quite sure of what it means to work for a campaign, as AJ recently learned.

It seems Ms. AJ sent out an email, just a simple, jocular email mind you, in that typical AJ-style -- kinda joking around, making fun of herself a little while not taking life too terribly seriously -- that accidentally got listed on national bulletin boards, unintentionally embarrassing the Obama campaign. One of many articles on this can be found here.

She was just kidding folks. Right?

Wrong, not these days.

As the Bushies long ago discovered, every piece of electronic communication -- literally every single stupid friggin piece -- is saved, archived, somewhere, and just as sure as it is somewhere, there is some smear merchant out there, looking to ruin someone else for their own personal gain. That's why these evil bastards used RNC emails to do White House work. Also, Sy Hersch reports that they never write anything down, ever, for the same reason: they didn't want oversight. Roaches operate best under the cover of darkness, and Bush and Cheney are the most insidious roaches, the fuckers that keep coming back even you know you've squished at least fifty of the egg-bearing ones.

It's the evil marriage of Rovian politics with a permanent paper trail: emails get around, and stay around, forever. Folks, this is our reality, and the clock ain't ticking backwards. It's only gonna get worse.

So, what does the Famous Monkey recommend for the 2.3 people who actually read this silly blog? Politics a great spectator sport. Take to the field at your own risk. Just ask AJ.

It's not me!

2007-11-30T14:57:00.000-08:00

I swear to God I did not do it. I'm in Los Angeles. I did not take Hillary Clinton's office hostage I swear. I have proof. See? Here I am, right over here! Hello!!!!! It's totally not me!!!!!

Woopsie doodle

2007-11-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

Oh man, I've been a bad bad bad bad nobody-gives-a-shit-about blogger. I haven't posted in about a week. In my defense, I'm a lazy bastard.

Oh shit, isn't today Friday? That means... FRIDAY CHINESE BLOGGING!!!! YAY!!!

This is the day I get to showcase my three-year-old level Chinese language, where I talk about whatever I can until I just run out of vocabulary.

Okee-dokee, here it goes:

大家好! 我希望你看不动,因为我不聪明.没有,我愚笨. 明白吗?我不太明白了. 不好意思.

我喜欢咖啡,你呢?我也喜欢茶.我最喜欢龙井茶. 我生日的时候,一个非常好的朋友给我龙井茶.我太高兴了!

好,我走了.再见!!

Okay, now that you suffered through my gawd-awful, boring Friday Chinese blog post, well, again I am so very sorry you were forced to read that. Oh my, I need help.

Anyhoo, I will blog more regularly now that I have a job offer 桌子上 -- er, on the table. Sorry. Anyway, thanks for stopping by and wasting a few minutes of your precious life. You are now a few moments closer to death. And again, I am sorry to have brought you there.

Does being gay mean you're happy, or just a closeted public restroom freakshow who seeks advice from Conservapedia?

2007-11-21T08:06:00.001-08:00

Tee hee! Turns out Conservapedia -- that wonderful conservative social experiment in creating an alternate reality because apparently Wikipedia has a liberal bias with its user-edited content and all -- has some interesting statistics making its way across the lefty blogosphere. Turns out, on this conservative website, the vast majority of web hits are regarding various levels of information regarding, as John Cole of Balloon Juice puts it, "teh ghey."

I can hear their thoughts now: “While I am not gay, I have been having lots of anal sex with lots of men, and for some reason I find myself pooping a lot more freely than usual. Thus, I shall describe GBS to Conservapedia so others know what to do when this happens to them. Better yet, I’ll denounce anybody else who is gay, saying GBS is God’s punishment for being gay. In this way, I can make up for my closeted homosexual behavior and sit in the corner and cry myself to sleep out of self-hatred, resting easy in a bed full of gay porn stars and crystal meth.”

World's Worst Stand-Up Comic

2007-11-19T07:30:00.000-08:00

"Oh man, the other day my wife just kept on nagging me and nagging me. Don't you just hate it when that happens man? I mean, they just keep on going on and on about who knows what, man. Man, I hate that. Man."

"So the other day I'm stuck in traffic, and there's this guy in the car next to mine, bopping to the radio. Man, that guy looked stupid doing that. Man, don't you just think that's ridiculous when people do that? Man."

"Last week I went into this bar and got, like, totally drunk man. Oh man, I was so drunk man, I threw up like six times in two hours, man. I was, like, totally dehydrated -- well, I wasn't like totally dehydrated, I was actually totally dehydrated, but you get the point -- and then, before I knew it, I was taken to the hospital, because some guy broke my nose after I grabbed his wife's ass. Don't you just hate it when that happens, man? Man!"

"Geez oh man, you won't believe what happened to me tonight. So I was walking here, to this club to perform for you lovely ladies and germs, yes you, the germ with the lady, buzz off man so I can disinfect her from your germs man, yeah I'm talking to you man. So anyway, I'm coming to the club here, walking down the Sunset Strip -- yeah, I referenced something you know, applaud loudly please, please, oh come on man -- when suddenly I saw this totally hot chick, and I was like, "Man, I'd love to bone her. Man she's fine. Man." Don't you hate that guys, you know this has happened to you, when you see this totally fine woman and you just want to -- mmmmmph! -- hit that hard and you just can't because you're broke, ugly and your car's a piece of shit? Don't you just hate it when that happens man? Oh man, that like totally sucks man. Well it just happened to me, man, and I, like, totally have blueballs now. Man my balls are blue, and they hurt. Man."

"So, I'm in Chinatown one day, right? And I walked into a shop to buy some lucky bamboo because, ya know, I wanna get lucky, if you know what I mean, right? So I walk in to the shop and look for some lucky bamboo to get lucky, right, and the people at the counter clearly don't speak English so good, right? So I tried talking with them in their language, right, with the best Chinese accent I could think of, and since I just saw Rush Hour 2 I figured I could pretend like I was Jackie Chan, right? So there I was, in this Chinese shop in Chinatown trying to buy this lucky bamboo so I could, like, totally get lucky, if you know what I mean, right? And so I said, "Hey! Me likey dis one! Is goooood! Understand? How much-y cost-y?" Then I was, like, totally jumping around the store, right, and swinging from the banisters because obviously everyone in China is like that, right? So they totally threw me out of the store and called the cops. Man, I was like trying to be culturally sensitive man, and I was like totally arrested. Man, don't you just hate it when that happens? Man!"

Live Blogging DailyKos

2007-11-17T15:12:00.001-08:00

Starting today and ending some other time, possibly today, I have decided to start liveblogging other people's blogs, bringing you real-time updates as things change in the all mighty blogosphere.

Let's start with the Great Orange Dinosaur, dailykos.com, where, OMG they are liveblogging about something in the real world at the exact same time that I am liveblogging them! Holy moly, a vortex of liveblogging is enveloping me, as I liveblog another blog which is liveblogging something else!! What to do, what to do? >runs in circles, pulling out what is left of his hair<

Currently, their liveblog is a Presidential Forum on Alternative Energy here in Los Angeles, where they are listening to the Democratic Presidential hopefuls talk about their energy policy. As of now, the Hekebolos diary (which was generously promoted to the main bloggy area there) has 58 comments.

UPDATE 1
OMG it's up to 86 comments!1!!!11! What to do, when the blogosphere moves at the speed of thought and I can only type 70 WPM?!?!

UPDATE 2

Holy living crap on a stick, they are up to 157 comments after I hit refresh. I just can't keep up with all they are saying, so I won't bother. I guess they are talking about how the world is getting hotter and someone should probably do something, like eat less pork and beans or something.

UPDATE 3

Whoa, now they are up to 194 comments. 194!!!! Great job Mr./Mrs/Dr. Hekebolos!

UPDATE 4
Oh snap, Hekebolos just reached 215 postings. 215!!! Scrolling down, I see there is another open thread by one Mr./Mrs./Dr. Devilstower who, ironically, actually promoted Hekebolos up. I see that this Devilstower fellow is showing a lackluster 41 comments compared to the now-mighty Hekebolos who is still at 215. Figures. Even Rocky was betrayed by his best student.

Well, I am done liveblogging dailykos.com. Stay tuned for more liveblogging of other people's blogs.

Friday Chinese Blogging

2007-11-16T18:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I just decided that, previous post notwithstanding, I will only blog in Chinese on Fridays. Of course please ignore the fact that I pre-emptively broke my own rule about seeing Robert Redford during my job interview, below, not to mention the fact that this post is in English as well, at least so far.

Hey fuckers, it's my blog, and I can change the rules whenever I feel like it. So I hereby declare that this is my absolutely unbreakable rule now, and like Bush, this will be my unbreakable until I make another unbreakable rule later that nullifies this one, which I have already done.

I'm confused too. Sorry.

So anyway, here it goes, Friday Chinese Blogging:

大家好！我是杜大卫。你看得懂的话，对不起。我的中文水平我的中文水平很低很低。我不喜欢美国人，可是很多美国人都看不懂，所以这是我们的秘密，好吗？

哈哈！！！我开玩笑。我怎么不喜欢美国人，我是美国人！不喜欢的话，我不喜欢我！！！哎呀！！！

再见！！

This must look mighty impressive to the untrained eye, but the trained eye would certainly disagree.

Anyhoo, happy Friday and 周某快乐！！

2007-11-16T15:11:00.000-08:00

I just had a job interview.

And I saw Robert Redford.

Weird.

2007-11-15T11:45:00.000-08:00

Write your own caption.

2007-11-15T09:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here I am, blogging. What's up with that?

See, every so often, while lying in bed and crying myself to sleep, I realize that there is something on my mind. And so I would just lay there, twitching and crying, wishing there was some sort of format for me to express my outrage or ideas or whatever. If only there was some way for me to express myself... "Oh wait," I suddenly realized amid one of my hysterical rantings, "there is this whole bloggy thing with which I recently discovered! YAY!"

Finally, I have identified an outlet to express my innermost and/or outermost feelings! I sure hope this blogging thing takes off some day. That would be keen.

Before starting this blog, I tried posting on some community blogs (which I will not name here) but got flamed by the flamers, and by flamers I don't mean gays, because I have gay friends and they wouldn't much appreciate me talking/blogging like a homophobe, and besides they would probably just try to take me shopping or clean my redecorate my place. Those blinds are sooooo 2003.

No, I am referring to those people who feel safely ensconced in their apartments/workplaces/basements/whatever and therefore feel they can, indeed should, be as rude as humanly possible when talking about any random opinion or other.

This bad. Me no likey. So here I am, talking about whatever.

So even though nobody is going to read this blog, I'm gonna go ahead and keep going anyway, yammering about who the hell cares what. Why? Beats me.

So, let's get started on, say, politics.

Democrats. Come on!!!!!

Thus concludes my in-depth political analysis. Thank you.

Until next time!!!